I received a Biblical outline from a child's point of view of what was learned throughout the year in junior church. It was sent to me from Wilma Kough of the Kolmont Community Church and was very humorous and thought provoking.
It goes like this:
"In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing but God, darkness and some gas.
The Bible says, "The Lord thy God is one, but I think He must be a lot older than that. Anyway, God said, "Give me a light," and someone did. Then God made the world.
He split the Adam and made Eve. Adam and Eve were naked, but they weren't embarrassed because mirrors hadn't been invented yet. Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so they were driven from the Garden of Eden. Not sure what they were driven in though, because they didn't have cars. Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was Abel.
Pretty soon, all of the early people died off, except for Methuselah, who lived to be like a million or something.
One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy. But one of his kids was kind of a Ham. Noah built a large boat and put his family and some animals on it. He asked some other people to join him, but they said they would have to take a rain check. After Noah came Abraham, Isaac and Jacob. Jacob was more famous than his brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange for some pot roast. Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really loud sports coat.
Another important Bible guy was Moses, whose real name was Charlton Heston. Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt and away from the evil Pharaoh after God sent 10 plagues on Pharaoh's people. These plagues included frogs, mice, lice, bowels and no cable. God fed the Israel Lights each day with manicotti. Then He gave them His top 10 commandments.
These include don't lie, cheat, smoke, dance or covet your neighbor's bottom, the Bible uses a bad word for bottom that I'm not supposed to say. But my dad uses it sometimes when he talks about the President. Oh yeah! I just thought of one more - Humor thy father and thy mother.
One of Moses' best helpers was Joshua, who was the first Bible guy to use spies. Joshau fought the battle of Geritol, and the fence fell over on the town.
After Joshua came David. He got to be the king by killing a giant with a slingshot. He had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500 porcupines. My teacher says he was wise but that doesn't sound very wise to me.
After Solomon, there were a bunch of major league prophets. One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then barfed up on the shore. There were also some minor league prophets, but I guess we don't have to worry about them.
After the Old Testament came the New Testament. Jesus is the star of the New Testament. He was born in Bethlehem, in a barn. (I wish I had been born in a barn, too, because my mom is always saying to me, "Close the door! Were you born in a barn?" It would be nice to say, "As a matter of fact, I was.")
Jesus was a great man. He healed many leopards and even preached to some Germans on the Mount. But the Republicans and all those guys put Jesus on trial before Pontius the Pilot, who didn't stick up for Jesus.
He just washed his hands instead. Anyways, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life again. He went up to heaven but will be back at the end of the Aluminum. His return is foretold in the book of Revolution."
Wilma noted that the details are a little skewed but the facts are there. God made the world. Jesus was born and died for our sins. He arose and is in heaven and will be back.
On the subject of death, I was quite saddened at the passing of Sheridan Christian. I remember him from Smithfield High School, where he was two years ahead of me. But like Judie Phillippi said, "We knew everyone from all grades when there was a Smithfield High School."
I would see him in Steubenville when he was captain of the Steubenville Fire Department, and he never failed to call me "Miss Esther." He later moved to Smithfield and served on Village Council and then became mayor. I worked with him as the clerk of mayor's court, and he never failed to send me a bouquet of flowers for Secretary's Day. He was devoted to the bakery products of the Downtown Bakery in Steubenville and would get me spanokopita, spinach pie, on days when it was made.
We didn't always get along with what I wrote about the council meetings but was a gentleman about it, and we stayed friends at all times. He was a good officer of the village.
We served together as officers on the Smithfield Alumni as well. I think he had something to do with the Octa Foster Spirit Award I received from the alumni one year.
I'm not sure I saw him in the last eight months. Kathy Dombroski and I were discussing this, and we think we saw him last in a motorized wheelchair at the 2011 Apple Festival. He didn't appear to be his robust self but still had his cheery demeanor and his gentlemanly manner.
Our sympathy goes out to his family.
Fran Hartline is another Smithfield resident who died during Easter week. I had known her since I was a member of the Smithfield Homemakers in the 1970s.
I remember Fran giving a talk there once on how to determine what clothes look appropriate on your own special body frame. We measured different areas of the body and put those measurements down to scale on a piece of paper. I didn't think the dots that were then traced looked much like me, but it was fun designing a type of clothing that would look good on those measurements.
Fran was one of our Lunches with Love clients, and she was always at the door when we appeared with a hot meal. She was so cheery that you felt good walking back down the sidewalk.
(McCoy, a resident of Smithfield, is food editor and a staff columnist for the Herald-Star and The Weirton Daily Times. She can be contacted at firstname.lastname@example.org.)